For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been discussing “Intentional Procrastination” with regards to drinking alcohol, to help become aware of when you first start to feel whatever you’re after when you drink.

The minute I used to put off drinking for a bit, because I had to for whatever reason, I got a little relief from the craving symptoms – obsessive thoughts, restlessness, anxiety, etc. I used the example of when you just cannot drink for whatever reason, but you need to, so you’re feeling all the crap that goes with the need. But when you decide you’re going to drink, and even take steps to acquire your stash, you feel a little better before you even drink alcohol. Or at least, I did.

A good first question: What experience are you after?

And when you’re trying to quit drinking, that’s something you can work with, right? Because what are we trying to do when we drink every day anyway? Have you ever asked yourself the question? Try it. And try a couple of these too:

• What experience do you actually want?
• What do you want to change?
• Is it (that which you want to change) on the inside or external to you?

I just wanted to feel better, or even okay, would do.

All we’re doing when we drink daily is trying to regulate or maintain a more comfortable existence, right? I mean, no one wakes up saying, “All I want to do is drink myself into oblivion again today and pass out so I’ll be unconscious for another 12 hours”. But none of us really want that because that’s not living.

If that was your actual goal, you’d be doing it now and not reading blogs like mine. I mean, friend, that’s an option, right? In all reality, it truly is. There are plenty of people doing it every day, all day, 24/7/365, then they die. Happens all the time. If that’s your true goal – have at it! What’s stopping you?

You want more; you know you do. You just need to feel better, I get it. (This is as tough as my “tough love” gets.)

Back to the experience of feeling. For me, that’s really why I drank – for the feeling. Is there another reason? I suppose there are lots, but you know we could poke holes in all of them, when it comes right down to it.

Don’t you get a little sigh of relief when you decide to drink, even if it’s not going to happen until later?

The question of the month around here is: When do you feel the alcohol? When do you actually feel what you’re drinking? Do you know? And this sounds like a dumb question, I know, but I realized that I actually starting feeling a little better before I even started drinking the alcohol. Do you?

Last week, I had you take a look at how you feel while in the process of “securing” your alcohol. And I’d like to digress long enough to say, if you’re still with me this week, I use the word “secure” and in quotes, because for me, this is how alcohol felt. Security. Comfort. Feeling better, or even feeling okay. So knowing I was on the way to getting alcohol, made the better feeling kick in before I even started drinking it.

But today, I want a step even further backward to when you first made the decision to drink. Making the decision is key, and it’s also unconscious.

So much of what we do is unconscious, it’s hard to become aware.

The more I became aware of my internal self, the earlier I was able to recognize when relief actually came. And it was not usually when I started drinking; sometimes, I felt better just making the decision to drink. Giving myself permission to drink later, made me feel better in the moment of making the decision, even though I wouldn’t be ingesting alcohol for hours.

If I already had liquor at my disposal, then it was only a matter of time, right? So, then the emphasis shifts from if to when. And that’s actually when the brain dials down the craving chemicals.

Once I made the decision to drink, and I knew it was in my nearly immediate future, I was home free. Then it became a simple waiting game, and I could be a little patient. (Not too patient, don’t get crazy, like I couldn’t wait until tomorrow.)

But making the decision was very important. And once I did, there was nothing and no one stopping me. Making the decision flipped a switch in my brain quicker than anything. I felt it immediately. “I’m doing it. I’m going to drink.” There was power in that decision; actually, there was relief and security in it.

 And that’s one reason I think AA/Twelve Steps Program protocol of calling your sponsor didn’t help me much. Once I had already made the decision in my mind. It was a done deal, and there wasn’t anything anyone could say to me that could change my mind.

For me, at the end of the day, it all came down to what I chose to do when I was alone.

I’m ashamed to admit it, but I used to call my sponsor after I’d already decided to drink, just because I was supposed to, and later I could truly say “I did what I was supposed to do. I called you.” Only, I didn’t hear a word she said.

Sometimes, I was already drinking, because I had made up my mind, and drinking is what helped me; not her words. She couldn’t make me feel better about myself; and that’s why I drank. Her words made little difference.

Back to making the decision. This week, the challenge is to see if you also get a small sigh of relief when you simply make the decision to drink. I don’t have a tool for this though, this is all you.

Just become really aware over the next few days when you feel a tiny bit of relief from planning your drinking. You know what it feels like — something somewhere deep inside sighs, and relaxes a little. (Oh, one caveat, you have to make this awareness before you start drinking. After the first drink, you lose self-awareness.)

It’s okay if you’ve already made the decision.

If you’ve already made the decision to drink, it’s okay. It’s only me and you; and I did it too; every day for a long time.  I don’t judge. I know you’re trying to feel better, and you truly are suffering and this just eases the pain. It’s okay, though. You’re okay. I promise. Don’t worry about trying to change it right now, just become aware of it. Nothing else you have to do.

Maybe you’re at work, and you’re miserable, and all you want to do is have that first drink or two to unwind, take the edge off, get comfortable and warm, slow down your thoughts and slip into a gentler, safer place. Don’t you feel a tiny bit better just deciding you’re going to drink? I did! It got me through the afternoon, so no judgement here.

Seriously, play around with this. It’s very interesting when you start using your mind to examine your brain; or vise-versa because I don’t know which is doing which, but together they’re running your body, your behaviors, and your life. May as well take a peek inside your own head; never know what you’ll learn.